( if eunyu was a better sister, she'd have a better answer. something about how the thought of eunhyuk being alive somewhere and looking for her in return was, on most days, the only thing that kept her going.
luckily, she is the sister that she is, which is not a very good one. therefore, )
i was functionally dead. i wasn't thinking about you at all.
[ this is the part that stings the most. that gap between human and neohuman, where the monster is still the most in control and wreaking havoc on perceptions and behaviour. it could be worse without hyunsu's tempering perspective, but the fact remains: eunhyuk doesn't feel anything at the moment, beyond mild flashes and impressions.
the human side of him is well and truly asleep, until it shakes loose. ]
( sometimes the simplest answer is also the most pathetic one. it's not like eunyu was ever convinced it was anything more than a long shot — but still. she found his glasses, she didn't find his corpse. she looked. it meant something. )
i knew if you were alive you'd do whatever it took to find me. because you promised. because you're my brother.
eunhyuk is your brother. i didn't promise you anything.
[ this is where he should explain that he was cocooned for over a year. that during all those weeks and months where she was searching for any sign of him, he was in a literal suspended state, gestating in slimegore as if to mock what he once was.
but he doesn't see the value of it now. he can't reach that part of him that tells him it's okay to not be so rational all of the time, that emotions have a part in his self-imposed righteousness of action. that he can be nice to someone who needs it, just because he can. ]
you're safe and alive. he achieved what he set out to do. do you want me to keep doing what he did?
( she's not wholly unused to this. hyunsu is divided in parts too, divisible by where the monster starts and ends. it just feels monumental that it happened to eunhyuk, her brother, who is supposed to be better than everyone simply because eunyu wants it to be so. it hurts, because in all the reunions she's imagined in her head, she never once considered he'd want nothing to do with her — that's what you get, eunyu, when you treat people like nuisances their entire lives. they move on without you. )
you're eunhyuk. you're my brother. i know he's in there and i won't stop looking for him. not ever.
( eunyu can be sad about it, and she is, but mostly — she's angry, impassioned, ready to bulldoze her way through him to get what she wants. she doesn't care what it takes. an arm or a leg or something still tender and untainted inside her — she doesn't care. all she's wanted since she realized eunhyuk wasn't following after her, is him to come back to her, to apologize for how terrible she's always been to him, to say thank you, thank you for everything. she has no intention of stopping her mission now. )
i'm not safe or alive until eunhyuk is back. he hasn't achieved shit. as far as i'm concerned, you're not off the hook.
[ but he can't argue with the thinking, even though the logic behind it is flawed. that's not how promises should work; people don't just get to decide what sticks and what doesn't, or nothing ever really sticks and nothing ever truly matters.
he knows it is easy to discard the argument and just continue on as he would. but what would he think? what would he risk for the sake of one person, even if that person isn't worth the lives of so many others?
hyunsu was worth it because hyunsu has seen a way back, a way to drag minds away from the edge of madness and keep the humanity they need to become more than just human or just monster. lee eunyu is just a girl.
( i want my brother back, she thinks. i want the last year and change to be some kind of bad dream. i want to be a dancer in the korean national ballet, and have people from all over the world come to watch me perform. i want someone to always be watching me, whether i'm dancing or not. i want to feel protected. i want to never, ever be lonely again. )
[ it's never been about permission in the end, was it? all these lines drawn, and the rules that came along with them — they're the only two people in the world who even understands where the pretense begins and ends. they want things for themselves, because they're the same things they want for one another.
then i want you to work with me, to help you. we'll make a deal.
( what deal? she's working on it — it was comparatively easy to figure out a deal with hyunsu, who's easy enough to please with a little attention. eunhyuk? she'll have to think about it. what is it he really wants?
eunyu, she thinks, which is lucky, because it's all she has. )
i know. i'll be there. it's better than making him sit outside my door. which is what he was offering, like some dog.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
a couple days
where have you been?
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in a cocoon before that.
it's been a rough month.
are you eating?
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how do you feel?
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are you injured?
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are you a human?
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do you plan on answering me properly, or should i decide?
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( after a little wait, where it was clear that was all she was intending to say, )
i looked for you.
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Why?
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luckily, she is the sister that she is, which is not a very good one. therefore, )
why not?
don't you want to see me?
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i wasn't thinking about you at all.
[ this is the part that stings the most. that gap between human and neohuman, where the monster is still the most in control and wreaking havoc on perceptions and behaviour. it could be worse without hyunsu's tempering perspective, but the fact remains: eunhyuk doesn't feel anything at the moment, beyond mild flashes and impressions.
the human side of him is well and truly asleep, until it shakes loose. ]
did you think i was looking for you?
no subject
( sometimes the simplest answer is also the most pathetic one. it's not like eunyu was ever convinced it was anything more than a long shot — but still. she found his glasses, she didn't find his corpse. she looked. it meant something. )
i knew if you were alive you'd do whatever it took to find me. because you promised.
because you're my brother.
no subject
i didn't promise you anything.
[ this is where he should explain that he was cocooned for over a year. that during all those weeks and months where she was searching for any sign of him, he was in a literal suspended state, gestating in slimegore as if to mock what he once was.
but he doesn't see the value of it now. he can't reach that part of him that tells him it's okay to not be so rational all of the time, that emotions have a part in his self-imposed righteousness of action. that he can be nice to someone who needs it, just because he can. ]
you're safe and alive.
he achieved what he set out to do.
do you want me to keep doing what he did?
no subject
you're eunhyuk. you're my brother.
i know he's in there and i won't stop looking for him. not ever.
( eunyu can be sad about it, and she is, but mostly — she's angry, impassioned, ready to bulldoze her way through him to get what she wants. she doesn't care what it takes. an arm or a leg or something still tender and untainted inside her — she doesn't care. all she's wanted since she realized eunhyuk wasn't following after her, is him to come back to her, to apologize for how terrible she's always been to him, to say thank you, thank you for everything. she has no intention of stopping her mission now. )
i'm not safe or alive until eunhyuk is back. he hasn't achieved shit.
as far as i'm concerned, you're not off the hook.
no subject
[ but he can't argue with the thinking, even though the logic behind it is flawed. that's not how promises should work; people don't just get to decide what sticks and what doesn't, or nothing ever really sticks and nothing ever truly matters.
he knows it is easy to discard the argument and just continue on as he would. but what would he think? what would he risk for the sake of one person, even if that person isn't worth the lives of so many others?
hyunsu was worth it because hyunsu has seen a way back, a way to drag minds away from the edge of madness and keep the humanity they need to become more than just human or just monster. lee eunyu is just a girl.
eunhyuk's girl. ]
what do you want? you have to say it, exactly.
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i just want to be near you
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[ it's never been about permission in the end, was it? all these lines drawn, and the rules that came along with them — they're the only two people in the world who even understands where the pretense begins and ends. they want things for themselves, because they're the same things they want for one another.
everything but honesty. ]
hyunsu wants you moved in with us.
no subject
we'll make a deal.
( what deal? she's working on it — it was comparatively easy to figure out a deal with hyunsu, who's easy enough to please with a little attention. eunhyuk? she'll have to think about it. what is it he really wants?
eunyu, she thinks, which is lucky, because it's all she has. )
i know. i'll be there.
it's better than making him sit outside my door. which is what he was offering, like some dog.